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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
97 replies
MrsBerthaRochester · 21/01/2021 17:03
Lurked on Mumsnet for years but was inspired by another thread to join to share my experience. Met a guy on Tinder and chatted for a few months. Eventually hooked up a couple of months later. Did the deed a couple of times then he goes AWOL.
I join Fabswingers on the recommendation of a friend as am just looking for no strings fun after a very long marriage. The very first profile I click on is this same guy(I recognise his photos)
This starts a period of on and off hook ups over two years. He always came to mine as he said he had flatmates and he didn't want them to know he was on site. I was on his Facebook and had also been to his work a few times( a bar)
I last met him the week before we went into the first lockdown. Two weeks after that I find out he is not single at all but lives with his girlfriend and her kids and has done the entire time!!
Thereafter follows a period of a few months where he withers begs me not to tell/swears he won't do it again or acts as if we could still carry on. I eventually tell the girlfriend (after she contacts me asking how I know him) She promptly blocks me and they are still together.
I still have the rage and want to hurt this man badly but I also still feel horribly guilty. Should I? Or is it my own fault as I should have known men on such sites are likely to be lying cheating scumbags?
OP posts:
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TheQueef · 21/01/2021 17:05
What did you think swingers meant?
MrsBerthaRochester · 21/01/2021 17:07
Swinging is not skin to cheating because it usually involves couples who sleep with other couples with full knowledge/permission. There are a lot of people who simply use it as a hook up site. Did I deserve to be lied to simply because I was on this site?
OP posts:
MixMatch · 21/01/2021 17:11
Did you send the girlfriend screenshots? Seems like he told her you were some sort of crazy person.
You actually willingly went for him despite him ghosting you previously and knowing he was on that type of site! I would expect men on such sites to behave badly and for a lot of them to be married/in relationships. A lot of the fun for these people is that they're doing it behind their OH's back.
ThisTooShallBe · 21/01/2021 17:18
I don’t see why you should feel horribly guilty - he cheated, not you - but having ‘the rage’ and wanting to ‘hurt’ the man is a bit extreme isn’t it?
Opentooffers · 21/01/2021 17:26
Its to be expected, isn't the point that you get a shag out of it without caring about their background? Why do you care, no strings is just that, no thought to others, you asked for it. Is there likely to be higher morals and truth to be found amongst people who use the site? The answer is obvious before trying it IMHO
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Itstimetoquit · 21/01/2021 17:40
I caught my partner on fabswingers,I only found out as he had given some women his number to hook up,she searched his number on fb then she realized he was engaged to me,she then sent me dick pics he'd sent her,I then made up an account spoke to him a few days saying he was single ECT ,when he messaged to say he was starting work (he wasnt he was sat in the same room as me lol he had just got in from work he had no idea it was me)I just turned to him and said before you go work will you make me a cuppa! The look on his face was amazing x
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BornIn78 · 21/01/2021 17:45
You wanted “no strings fun”. You got “no strings” fun. You got exactly what you wanted didn’t you?
H0Tcarrots · 21/01/2021 17:48
Did you ever ask him if he was single?
My experience is that there are a lot of non-single men on there but they are usually pretty honest about it
rosegoldivy · 21/01/2021 17:51
@itstimetoquit nooooooo you can't just leave us on a cliff hanger like that.
Then what happened???? What was his excuse
KylieKoKo · 21/01/2021 17:51
Op this is absolutely not your fault. I'm not sure why above posters are being snide.
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MrsBerthaRochester · 21/01/2021 18:03
Yes of course I asked if he was single! He was on a couple of sites and all his bio stated single. A quick peruse through any of the forums on that site will assure you that most people on there do not want to meet folk who are cheating or sneaking behind others backs.
I'm not going to apologise for seeking casual sex and shall simply not to respond to posters who focus on that rather than the lying/cheating scumbags.
Yes to the poster I asked I did send his gf screenshots where he admitted to being on there and other sites and also that he attended swingers clubs and parties. I advised her to get an sti test as he never once offered to use a condom(I insisted)
So why do I feel like the guilty party?
OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 21/01/2021 18:13
@itstimetoquit - just curious, are you still with him? You didn't say ex-partner.
randomer · 21/01/2021 18:15
Assuming this isn't made up nonsense.....kids? With this person as some sort of Dad?
H0Tcarrots · 21/01/2021 18:17
You don’t need to feel like the guilty party at all. You are not responsible for his choices. Just delete and block. I imagine after coming out of a long relationship you are not interested in any type of nonsense like this.
Remember that on fab it’s like 100 dicks to 1. Don’t feel like you have to choose the first profile you click on even if it’s someone you kind of know. But do assume that everyone on there is sleeping, or at least attempting to, with someone else.
mistletoeandsigh · 21/01/2021 18:18
Fabswingers is not meant for married people. It's originally for swingers. Lots married on there and most without partner's knowledge
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RUOKHon · 21/01/2021 18:21
Are fabswingers looking to drum up business or something? This is the second thread about them today. 
MrsBobDylan · 21/01/2021 18:23
You were looking for 'no strings fun' and turned to a site called 'fab swingers' and you were surprised that you met a made who gave you no strings fun?
You need to pay more attention to the label on the jar.
MrsBerthaRochester · 21/01/2021 18:23
Responding to Randomer,yes his gf has kids from a previous marriage. He has no children and was adamant never wants any although obviously was very lax about preventing them.
I thought I wasn't naive when it came to the site as I knew there were cheats on there. Some openly admit to being married on their profiles. But I was genuinely duped by him. There were no photos of them on his FB,no mention,no tags. I knew where he lived and where he worked.
When I confronted him with his deceit he insisted that he loved his gf and that he didn't see it as cheating as both sides of his life were seperate. Obviously fed her same bullsh*t.
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Itstimetoquit · 21/01/2021 18:24
@13DianaT1969 I kicked him out immediately but like a mug I had him back,fast forward a few years to this Xmas I found out he was a co*ke addict spent all our Xmas money on co*ke 2k in 2 weeks,so he's gone for good this time xx
ThatVeganFeminist · 21/01/2021 18:26
Of course it is! The men anyway... I got a message from a dad of a kid in my DS's year. Ick. I wouldn't meet someone who says upfront they are not single but I wouldn't feel bad if I met someone who didn't tell me they weren't.
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MrsBerthaRochester · 21/01/2021 18:28
I was inspired to post this thread after reading the other one as stated in my first post. Obviously other women have been cheated on to by folk lying about being single. Despite people ideas about my morals by being on that site,I can assure everyone I'm not a cheat.
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Taylrse · 21/01/2021 19:09
You've told his girlfriend and she decided to stay with him. Not much you can do.
If that is the sort of relationship she wants to be in then leave her to it.
If you decide to get into swinging then it's best to keep it to sex only and not delve into their personal life. It's not a dating site.
MrsBerthaRochester · 21/01/2021 19:27
Seeking casual sex on such a site does not mean I deserved to be lied to and duped. I wanted to have no strings attached with another single person. Not a liar and cheat.
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ComtesseDeSpair · 21/01/2021 19:35
Fab started out for people in open relationships / couples looking for likeminded couples and then got a reputation as somewhere where, unlike most trad dating sites, there were actually lots of female members open to casual sex / sex outwith a traditional relationship and thus you get the same men on there you’d get on any dating site, trawling around hoping for casual sex or a hookup.
You just have to do due diligence. A man who won’t ever invite you back to his house is probably cheating. It’s just a hazard of meeting people online. You weren’t looking for a relationship so ultimately you haven’t invested in this man and lost that investment. Chalk it up to experience, be more aware next time.
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